Parenting and claustrophobia - learning from my mistakes

Sometimes things get out of control...last night it was Sage wanting Daddy-time even though he was trying to work upstairs. When I finally convinced her to rejoin me downstairs and let him concentrate she decided to turn the evening's tired neediness toward me. We had a pretty busy week going to Six Flags, playing outside, going to the gym, going swimming, etc. and I knew she was tired out. But she hates to go to sleep on time, and will not go to sleep early so as her tiredness transformed into neediness I should have acted faster...

Now I am not one to turn away hugs and cuddles, but this night it became intrusive - I felt like she was trying to crawl into my skin. I kept asking her to sit next to me and hold hands as it was obvious she was needing some contact but she was more in the roll around on my lap-stick her toes in my nose-pull on my hair-make me look at her constantly-kind of mood. I am claustrophobic, but like I said, I normally enjoy hugs and cuddles. Sometimes though, when she gets in one of these crawl up your nose moods, it causes my need for space to heighten as her need for affection heightens.

We speak often about the need for each of us to have personal space. We try to teach her the importance of speaking up for yourself and asking for personal space when you need it. In fact a few times in recent weeks she has gone into another room (or sat on a different chair) and when we asked her what she was doing she has replied, in her most adult voice possible: "Well Mom, I just needed a few moments of personal space, please respect it." Walking away, I can only chuckle to myself at her correct use of the words and situation and wait for her need for personal space to be satisfied so she can rejoin me.

But last night, a particularly needy night I learned, my requests for personal space actually caused an opposite result. She became more insistent that she needed me and wanted to sit on my lap, wanted me to talk to her, wanted 100% of my attention and my physicality focused on her. And even as my need for freedom increased I realized we were feeding each other's discomfort instead of understanding or even respecting each other's opposing need.

I finally had to put both of us in a time-out, not as punishment but for regrouping time for her and to de-escalate my claustrophobia. This was not my first choice but other tactics didn't work. But she usually responds well to her "time-outs" to think and in the end, after a few minutes apart I was better able to address her needs without allowing mine to get in the way. BUT it taught me an important lesson which I heeded quickly tonight when she started the same overly-tired, bed-resistant, hold me dance. I stopped what I was doing and said, "OK that means you are tired." We got her ready for bed, had her pick some books to read, and before she was through the first book she was asleep. WHEW!

To me, being a parent isn't about being perfect, thankfully because I am not perfect. It is about meeting your child's needs the best you can. And when you fail, learning from your mistakes enough to take the right action the next time...or at least try to improve. It is also about respecting and honoring your own needs because you can only be a good parent when you are whole yourself.

Good luck in your next parenting challenge!

Emily A. Filmore, Author
blog.withmychildseries.com
http://www.withmychildseries.com/