Safety First - applying attachment parenting to scary topics

Over the weekend my daughter opened the front door while I was upstairs. Talk about your AHA! moments. I never dreamed that she would open the door without me and while in this situation it was a trusted friend (so there was no danger) it really woke me up to the fact that it was time for our next round of safety talks.

I, personally, believe that fear causes the fast-thinking, rational part of your brain to shut down and makes you more vulnerable. As attachment parenting-parents, we try to teach her about natural consequences of actions instead of fear and we try to arm her with tools for making good, healthy decisions...so I hesitate to pull out the "bad guys at the door could hurt you" talk. Instead we armed her with proactive information as we talked about safe front-door habits. Our reasoning is if you tell a child what not to do, it leaves them responsible to fill in the gray areas between the thing you spell out and things that seem OK to them because they weren't specifically warned against them.  And in this important safety issue I am not willing to leave that much responsibility on her shoulders.  For instance, if we tried to list the endless situations where she cannot open the door she may someday check her internal list and if a person was not on the NO list, open the door. Alternatively, it would not make sense to go completely the opposite direction and tell her she is not allowed to open the door for ANYONE, EVER, as that would mean she cannot open the door for her grandparents or aunt or uncle, or the emergency personnel if we ever had to call 911. We took a very calculated route to explain her door protocol and then tested her later on her knowledge.

First, I told her that mommy never opens the door without knowing who it is and knowing that it is safe for me to open it. Second, we took great pains to make sure she knew she was not in trouble and that we understood why she opened the door for this specific, safe, person. Third, we told her that we have to protect her and our house and so we have to be cautious about who we allow into our house. Fourth, we made a list together of the few people (mostly family) for which she is allowed to open the door alone - this is a very manageable list for her young age. Fifth, we instructed her on how to handle a doorbell ring or knock if mommy or daddy are out of sight; specifically come running to get one of us. Sixth, we tested her knowledge by asking her what she would do if people not on the list came to the door. To be utterly clear and absolute we included people with whom she has had a lot of contact in our test. For instance a waiter at a local restaurant she sees often, her teacher's name, and even fictional characters whom she knows well (like Elmo and Dora). The point was to help her learn to make fast decisions about who is on the list so that the next time the doorbell rings she is already comfortable with checking her internal list. It may seem strange to ask about Dora or Elmo, but we've all heard stories about kids getting taken by clowns or people with puppy dogs and we didn't want to leave this alone because it seemed so preposterous.

She did well in both her understanding and on our testing of her decisions. She asked if people not on the list would get their feelings hurt if they saw her through the window and she didn't answer the door, but went running for me instead. A good question that showed us she was paying attention and applying it in her mind. Our answer was that any person that respects her safety would understand that mommy and daddy have rules and that she should not feel responsible for their feelings - and that we would handle that aspect.

This whole conversation really set my mind at ease and I think it really helped her to have that important feeling of safety and security in her own home. I think the conversation showed her that we, as her parents, really do have this figured out, know what we are doing and that she really doesn't have to worry about anything but being a happy, healthy, respectful kid living within the clearly defined boundaries we have set.

In the end, I feel this conversation served more than to show her how to stay safe; I think it helped us to remind her of her status as first and foremost in our life!

How do you teach your child about safety without causing fear?

Emily A. Filmore, Author
blog.withmychildseries.com
http://www.withmychildseries.com/