Tantrums! GRRR..Is there no way around them?

As much as I try to give my daughter the tools she needs to express herself gracefully there are times that she gives up and says, "I'm in the mood to throw a tantrum!"

And, WOW, can she throw a tantrum. She has one of those loud piercing screams that sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard and she knows how to make the tears flow. Last weekend we were visiting outside with friends and something didn't go her way. In the grand scheme of things the incident was smaller than trivial, she wanted a different character than she had to play a game. In this situation, though, to her 4 year old, tired (my fault), one-track-mind, this was the end of the world.

She is usually very rational and we can talk through her upsets in a way that she doesn't get overly worked up; usually even seeing the better side of things. I tried every one of my normal tactics: I validated her feelings, I told her to count to three and breathe so she could calm down, I threatened her with going in the house for the night, I cajoled her, I made promises, I held her and I even walked away from her. NOTHING worked - she wasn't in the mood to listen, talk or do anything but wail.

These are the times when my ideals as a parent are truly tested and when I wonder where I have gone wrong. Have I spoiled her too much, let her get away with too many mini-tantrums because it seemed better to ride them out at the time? I am just enabling her bad manners? No, I just need to take a deep breath, count to three (myself), and think on my feet. On this particular night my husband, being much stronger and taller than I, scooped her up in his arms and carried her into the house to calm down. We instructed her to sit down and we left the room to give her time to collect herself.

She was quite worked up but was able to begin calming herself down at which time I reentered the room and sat holding her while she told me about her feelings, what went wrong, and what she wanted to do. We discussed a solution to her problem, I again validated her feelings, and we came up with a plan. Sometimes I feel like I am negotiating UN peacekeeping efforts!

Eventually she was able to calm down and rejoin her friends outside - finding herself, once again, enjoying her evening.

The next day we went to a park and when it was time to leave she handled it extremely well - smiling and laughing on the way to the car. (One of the things with which she has difficulty is transitioning from a fun activity/visit to that activity's end. She has a very hard time saying goodbye to loved ones, fun activities, or places.) Since I noticed that was being particularly good and happy I commented on how wonderful it was to see her smiling and enjoying the day even though we had to leave the park. She looked at me kind of strangely, like...and your point is??? "Well," I said, "I am really enjoying that you are more relaxed today and not getting upset when things go differently than you plan." I could see that I needed to be more direct, yet gentle: "I guess what I am trying to say is: do you see a difference between the tantrum you threw last night and how well you are handling leaving the park right now?" Her answer, "yes, I am not crying when I am upset" told me that she was on the right track. So I went on, "Well I think that it is much easier to take you to do fun things if I can trust that you won't get so upset when they are over. Thank you for acting like such a big girl today!" She seemed proud of herself and we didn't have any more incidents like it for the rest of the weekend...an eternity in kid years.

I hope that I made some small headway in showing her that she can express her feelings constructively without a tantrum. I think parenting is these little steps. We falter and make mistakes, but with pure and loving intentions we can find the right answer, we can make progress, we can grow closer to our children and....we can eventually grow out of these tantrums!!! Uh, we will eventually grow out of them, right???

Emily A. Filmore, Author
blog.withmychildseries.com
http://www.withmychildseries.com/