911 lessons in Safety Preparedness

Scott took Sage to one of those child safety awareness days at a local business a few months ago. She learned about "stop, drop and roll," stranger danger, bicycle safety, and the importance of learning your name and phone number. She also heard about 911 although at the time she really didn't understand it. Recently, however she has been learning to answer the phone and seems to understand more about how the phone works now than she did then.

I'm not really sure what brought it back up, but recently she has been talking about calling 911 for 'mergencies or when you are in trouble. I figured that signaled it was time to discuss it with her in more specificity than before.

Here is a list of talking points about 911 that I am using to help my own daughter and I hope you will find them useful as well:

• What IS 911? It is important to make sure that the child recognizes that 9-1-1 actually indicates the numbers to dial since when you hear numbers or letters in a row you don't always distinguish them as individuals and actually begin to hear them as a word "nineoneone" instead of as separate numbers.
• What is a good reason to call 911? I started by asking her if we call because we are hurt a little or a lot. She knew it was for "hurt a lot."
• Whose job is it to call 911? We talked about when it is HER job to call versus an adult's job to call. I told her that it is the adult's job unless the adult is the one "hurt a lot" and is unable to call. I gave examples. If mommy falls and can't call - but daddy's home - Sage should get daddy. If we are home alone and mommy fell and can't move - it is Sage's job. You get the point...
• What if she is at a grandparent's house? Again we went over how to know if it is a real emergency and whose job it is to call; then we talked about the importance of knowing where the phone is in other people's houses where she might be alone with an adult.
• How do you call 911? Since she has been answering the phone, I figured she is close to knowing how to dial out so I just told her she picks up the phone and presses the button that she would press to answer the phone (typically green) and then she said she knew she would press the numbers 9-1-1.
• What do you do once you dial 911? I told her that you tell the person who answers you are a child alone with someone who is hurt badly and you need help. (I am going to check into this, but I believe when a child calls the dispatcher will stay on the phone until the responders arrive). Then once the responders arrive they will knock at the door and that the dispatcher will tell her if it is safe to open the door.

As I have said before I don't want to incite fear in my daughter, but I would like to teach her to be prepared to handle situations as they come. I hope she will not ever need to use this information but I'd rather her know something she never needs to use than to need it and not know how to call. Also, I know in a stressful situation it is unlikely that she will remember everything I am trying to teach her but I hope it is enough in case she is ever in an emergency.

Safety First!

Emily A. Filmore
blog.withmychildseries.com
http://www.withmychildseries.com/

Children are openly loving - we can learn from them

Like family, friends have great importance in our lives. They help shape our future selves. They hold the keys to our past secrets and if they are true friends they leave them safely locked away. Through the sands of time they come to accept us for who we are even though they know the parts of ourselves we have tried to leave behind. They help us through hard times and rejoice in the good times; loving us more as we grow and change. Life-long friends bring so much joy and fun to our lives and those friendships become even more special as we each welcome children into our lives.

Last week we spent some quality time my college friend and his family on their visit to Missouri from Germany. Since Jon and I became friends on my first day on campus, he and I have shared lots of laughs (most of them at my expense as he is such a comedian) and fun adventures. As soon as we were each matched up with our respective spouses and on the way towards being parents, we talked about how fun it was going to be watching our children grow up and hoped that they would have a special friendship despite the miles.

These summer visits have always been a highlight for me but now that we have families, they have become even more fun as we get to know each other's spouses and children. Jon and Kara have two beautiful children; a boy, Max, three years old and a girl, Micah, six months old. This was our first chance to meet the baby, but Sage and Max have spent time together in previous summers. We were excited about our visit and Sage, who has repeatedly looked at a map in the last year looking for "Germany, where Max-y lives," couldn't be contained.

I am always amazed to watch the coming together of children and how openly loving they are towards each other; this meeting was no exception. Even though a whole year has passed since our last get together Sage and Max welcomed each other with open arms and they acted like they were life-long friends. HA, OK, technically they are life-long friends, but I mean that they understand the importance of friendship. My point is that they didn't feel the need to restrain themselves from showing their excitement at spending time with each other. As they bounced through the Science Center, lunch, the Zoo, and dinner at our house that day, they held hands, danced, sang, and screamed in laughter at all of the sights and activities. As they fully embraced the moment and the joy of being with loved ones without embarrassment or pretense I watched them in wonder. It made me think about all the times I have spent with my own treasured friends when I felt unable to express my joy and thankfulness for that special time for fear of how I'd look.

I make great efforts to avoid taking the simple things for granted. I work hard to let my husband and my daughter know how much I love and treasure them on a daily basis. I also try to be open with my family and friends about my love and gratitude for their presence in my life; but I'll admit that sometimes I let my desire to not look like a sappy fool get in the way. Max and Sage's open display of love and affection inspired me.

I'm not saying I am going to start running through the zoo holding hands with my grown friends, but I AM going to let go of the controls enough to open my heart and let my gratitude show to my friends. All three of my close friends from college live in other states/countries and I find that each year it is harder and harder for me to say goodbye after our wonderful visits. When this fact is added to my observation of the openness of the children it allowed me to feel my gratitude at an even deeper level than normal and of course, I cried like a baby when it was time to say goodbye. But for once, I wasn't embarrassed at my show of emotion. I allowed it to help me feel and express the deep love I have for these wonderful friends and to show my thanks for such a special visit.

Who would have guessed that a three and four year old could have taught me so much?

Taking time to be thankful for the special people in my life, I hope you will too!

Emily A. Filmore
blog.withmychildseries.com
http://www.withmychildseries.com/

Improving my Discipline

My darling Sage is a real sweetheart. We spend lots and lots of time together and have so much fun. She has a heart of gold and is overall a very grateful, loving little girl. But lately, she has been testing me - a LOT!

Apparently, she has decided that it isn't fun to listen, follow directions, or even just act respectfully. In fact her new favorite behaviors include whining, going limp when I try to pick her up, and doing exactly the opposite of what I ask. I think she has begun taking things (both material things and fun activities) for granted, believing that she can act out and still get her way. I want to prepare her better for like than that and I want her to appreciate all of her many blessings so I have been struggling with what to do.

We are trying a new take (for us) on an old discipline approach. We have long used checkmarks as incentives to behave but as she has gotten bigger, I think they have lost some of their power. We decided to take them to the next level. In order for her to not expect all things, material and otherwise, that she wants without feeling and showing gratitude we have decided to make her work to earn an activity. Specifically, she has asked to play soccer for about a year and it is almost sign-up time. We are incorporating check marks and stars into the equation to decide if she will be allowed to play soccer OR if we will instead use the money to sponsor another, less fortunate child, to play soccer instead.

I feel this is a good lesson in both gratitude for her own life, and understanding/compassion that there are people less fortunate out there who cannot afford to do all of the things she is allowed to do.

So she has a system now of check marks for poor behavior and stars for good/cooperative behavior. From now until sign-ups she must earn enough stars (and few enough check marks) to qualify for soccer. She can cancel out check marks with good stars and vice versa. Additionally, stars will earn her special activities (no material prizes) such as going on a walk without the stroller, special daddy and Sage time (without mommy), special mommy and Sage time doing something we don't normally do, an extra trip to the library, or a special time to devote to an art project.

I've talked before about trying to give her everything I want to give her and still teach her gratitude. I am hoping that earning her activities will give her more gratitude and graciousness while starting to teach her the value of currency (in this case her stars).

I'll keep you posted on our progress. But I can say that today, Day 1 of her new system, she willingly cleaned up her toys in three rooms without any resistance to cancel out the two check marks she had earned earlier in the day for being disrespectful.  She did quite a happy dance when she got to cover her check marks up with the stars so it looks as if she both understands and is excited about following her new rules. As with anything, the consistency with which I handle this will determine the level of success of the outcome, so I will have to work very hard to stick to it. I guess this behavior modification program will modify my own behavior as well as hers!

Hoping we are on the right track...

Emily A. Filmore, Author
blog.withmychildseries.com
www.withmychildseries.com

The Little Soul and the Earth by Neale Donald Walsch

Great Book!

Ix-nay on the ord-way oo-zay! How teaching your child to read changes your own language

Sage has been working very hard on learning to read a few words. We started doing some flashcards on our road-trip and she is doing really well. However yesterday, I realized how much her learning to read was going to impact my own communications with other adults.

She is really in the mood to go to the zoo. The problem is 89-95 degree weather does not lend itself to my ideal zoo days. I have been telling her that we will go to the zoo soon, but soon is so abstract for her that she asks about it every day. AND I try not to say that we might go on a CERTAIN day until I know for sure that we are really going to do it, because I don't want her to get her hopes up and then have it not happen.

My dear college friend that lives in Germany is coming into town next week with his wife and two children and our phone conversation planning our day went a little like this: 

• Jon - We were thinking about either going to the zoo or the science center.
• Me - Oh! Yes we would like to do either of those, but especially, we have been talking about going to the, well, uh, the first one, the Z-O-er-uh-oops, I can't spell that word anymore to hide what I am talking about from her because she knows how to spell and read it.
• Jon - What's wrong Em? What word are you trying to not spell? Com'on tell me the word. (He has always liked to cause trouble). 
• Me - Well you see we are learning to read and that is one of her favorite words.
• Jon - I can't have this conversation until you can tell me the word. (he likes to goad me).
• Me - let me think pig-latin....Hmmm I wasn't good at this when I was a kid.  The oo-zay? Yeah that's right, let's go to the oo-zay....

In the end, we decided to do the zoo in the morning and the science center in the afternoon and the whole conversation was our normal banter, like being transported back to college.

But I did have a huge realization about the ways in which adults hold conversations in front of children when they don't want the child to know what is going on. We SPELL. I was suddenly struck with visions of having to learn sign language - nope my fingers don't work well enough; learn Spanish - wait thanks to Dora Sage knows Spanish better than me; take to writing conversations down and passing the note across the table - too tedious; or stop having adult conversations altogether - nope not an option either.

I guess I have some studying to do. Oes-Day Ny-Aay ant-way o-tay each-tay e-may o-tay eak-spay ig-pay atin-lay?

Oh, no I am in rouble-Tay!

Emily A. Filmore, Author
http://www.withmychildseries.com/
blog.withmychildseries.com

Healthy food for my family (and myself)

I try really hard to teach my daughter better eating habits than my own. She does not drink soda, in fact she is disgusted that I drink it and will not let me give her kisses with "Soda Breath." When she wants a snack she gets to pick between different kinds of fruit (except for the occasional treat). And although I crave greasy hamburgers and fries for my comfort food, I have tried to set it up so that her comfort foods are apples, broccoli, green beans, salad, and berries.

So far, so good.

Last week I was invited to hear Dr. Jim Sears (from "The Doctors" on CBS) speak about healthy eating habits for families. I expected to go and learn about better ways to feed Sage; instead I came away with a better understanding of how badly I allow MYSELF to eat.

I was excited to note that I do the great majority of his suggestions when it comes to feeding my daughter.  But as I turned my inquiry toward myself and thought about my "food loves" I was reminded (OK I should say struck on the head with a 2X4) with how much my own food choices really reflect convenience over health, comfort over nutrition, and desire over actual need.

This is not to say that I don't eat very healthful foods...AT HOME...it is the choices I make when eating out that now disturb me. It is much easier, when cooking a meal to eat healthy, because I am committed to feeding Sage in as healthy a way as possible - and I cook for us together. So our home meals are full of organic veggies and fruit, contain little grease, include very few processed foods, and are usually made with nutrition as the primary motivation. But when I am out and I can have something different without risking her meal....well let's just remember that I already said how much I love greasy food. I told myself that I could afford the bad food out because I eat so well at home...but maybe I won't rely on that any more - and I will allow my choices to become cleaner and more wholesome all around so that they can have their full effect. Besides after hearing (again) what that grease and processed food really does to you - I am really grossed out.

I have recommitted myself to eating healthful foods, I am working to leave my caffeine addiction behind, I have said a sad, but fervent see-ya to fast food (or at least, initially, to drastically reduce it to say - 1-2 times a month), I am looking more than ever before at the labels on my food before I decide to pop it in my mouth, and when eating out I am looking more at healthier choices.

You might wonder how this fits into my blog about parenting...Mary, the nice woman who invited me to the seminar said something that, while not a new thought for me, was intriguing nonetheless. She asked me how feeding myself garbage was being a good mom. She asked if I thought that I could be a better mom with more longevity if I stopped eating harmful food. I couldn't find a way out of it the way she stated it. I heard the shattering of my internal denial that I could eat bad food without consequence to Sage. First of all, I know that modeling is the best form of teaching, and even if she loves healthy choices today, her observing me go for a Burger time and again over the next few years COULD lead her to bad food choices later. Also, though I finally understood that, by making better food choices I could start reversing the bad consequences of my food choices from the past and be healthier overall - which could lead to more years to be her mom.

I am going to purchase Dr. Sears' book: "The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood: Ten Ways to Get Your Family on the Right Nutritional Track" and try to get myself on track.

Wish me luck on my life change!

Emily A. Filmore
blog.withmychildseries.com
http://www.withmychildseries.com/

Vehicle/Child Safety Seats in Missouri

A friend and I were talking about how to know when to move a child from one sort of seat in the car to another. It was confusing to us having heard the law but not having it in front of us. I thought I would post it as I know my readers would want the information:

Missouri Booster Seat Law: Effective August 28, 2006
(copied and pasted directly from: http://www.dhss.mo.gov/Injuries_in_Missouri/BoosterSeat.html on July 6, 2010)


Injury and Violence Prevention
Missouri’s Child Passenger Restraint new law requires children who have outgrown a child safety seat to be secured in a booster seat while traveling in a motor vehicle.
The new law now requires:
*Children less than 4 years old or less than 40 pounds to be in an appropriate child safety seat.
*Children age 4 and older to be secured in a booster seat until they turn 8 years old, unless they reach 80 pounds or 4’9” before that birthday; and
*Children weighing more than 80 pounds or taller than 4’9” are required to be secured by a vehicle safety belt or booster seat appropriate for that child.

However the best practice is to assure children remain in a booster seat until they reach a height of 4’9”. The fine for violating this law is $50 plus court costs, which far exceeds the cost of many booster seats. This legislation is expected to save the lives of more than 30 children a year, and is expected to reduce a child’s risk of injury by 59 percent. For more information visit: http://www.nhtsa.gov/portal/site/nhtsa/menuitem.9f8c7d6359e0e9bbbf30811060008a0c/
http://www.savemolives.com/
http://www.senate.mo.gov/06info/BTS_Web/Bill.aspx?SessionType=R%20&BillID=24259

Disclaimer: The above information is taken directly from the Missouri Department for Health and Senior Services webpage. This blog and the blog's author and affiliates do not assume any responsibility for the accuracy of the information.  Interested parties should visit the MO DHSS webpage periodically to verify that the information is still correct and current and should check with your local fire or police department for additional guidance.

Safety First - applying attachment parenting to scary topics

Over the weekend my daughter opened the front door while I was upstairs. Talk about your AHA! moments. I never dreamed that she would open the door without me and while in this situation it was a trusted friend (so there was no danger) it really woke me up to the fact that it was time for our next round of safety talks.

I, personally, believe that fear causes the fast-thinking, rational part of your brain to shut down and makes you more vulnerable. As attachment parenting-parents, we try to teach her about natural consequences of actions instead of fear and we try to arm her with tools for making good, healthy decisions...so I hesitate to pull out the "bad guys at the door could hurt you" talk. Instead we armed her with proactive information as we talked about safe front-door habits. Our reasoning is if you tell a child what not to do, it leaves them responsible to fill in the gray areas between the thing you spell out and things that seem OK to them because they weren't specifically warned against them.  And in this important safety issue I am not willing to leave that much responsibility on her shoulders.  For instance, if we tried to list the endless situations where she cannot open the door she may someday check her internal list and if a person was not on the NO list, open the door. Alternatively, it would not make sense to go completely the opposite direction and tell her she is not allowed to open the door for ANYONE, EVER, as that would mean she cannot open the door for her grandparents or aunt or uncle, or the emergency personnel if we ever had to call 911. We took a very calculated route to explain her door protocol and then tested her later on her knowledge.

First, I told her that mommy never opens the door without knowing who it is and knowing that it is safe for me to open it. Second, we took great pains to make sure she knew she was not in trouble and that we understood why she opened the door for this specific, safe, person. Third, we told her that we have to protect her and our house and so we have to be cautious about who we allow into our house. Fourth, we made a list together of the few people (mostly family) for which she is allowed to open the door alone - this is a very manageable list for her young age. Fifth, we instructed her on how to handle a doorbell ring or knock if mommy or daddy are out of sight; specifically come running to get one of us. Sixth, we tested her knowledge by asking her what she would do if people not on the list came to the door. To be utterly clear and absolute we included people with whom she has had a lot of contact in our test. For instance a waiter at a local restaurant she sees often, her teacher's name, and even fictional characters whom she knows well (like Elmo and Dora). The point was to help her learn to make fast decisions about who is on the list so that the next time the doorbell rings she is already comfortable with checking her internal list. It may seem strange to ask about Dora or Elmo, but we've all heard stories about kids getting taken by clowns or people with puppy dogs and we didn't want to leave this alone because it seemed so preposterous.

She did well in both her understanding and on our testing of her decisions. She asked if people not on the list would get their feelings hurt if they saw her through the window and she didn't answer the door, but went running for me instead. A good question that showed us she was paying attention and applying it in her mind. Our answer was that any person that respects her safety would understand that mommy and daddy have rules and that she should not feel responsible for their feelings - and that we would handle that aspect.

This whole conversation really set my mind at ease and I think it really helped her to have that important feeling of safety and security in her own home. I think the conversation showed her that we, as her parents, really do have this figured out, know what we are doing and that she really doesn't have to worry about anything but being a happy, healthy, respectful kid living within the clearly defined boundaries we have set.

In the end, I feel this conversation served more than to show her how to stay safe; I think it helped us to remind her of her status as first and foremost in our life!

How do you teach your child about safety without causing fear?

Emily A. Filmore, Author
blog.withmychildseries.com
http://www.withmychildseries.com/

Parenting and claustrophobia - learning from my mistakes

Sometimes things get out of control...last night it was Sage wanting Daddy-time even though he was trying to work upstairs. When I finally convinced her to rejoin me downstairs and let him concentrate she decided to turn the evening's tired neediness toward me. We had a pretty busy week going to Six Flags, playing outside, going to the gym, going swimming, etc. and I knew she was tired out. But she hates to go to sleep on time, and will not go to sleep early so as her tiredness transformed into neediness I should have acted faster...

Now I am not one to turn away hugs and cuddles, but this night it became intrusive - I felt like she was trying to crawl into my skin. I kept asking her to sit next to me and hold hands as it was obvious she was needing some contact but she was more in the roll around on my lap-stick her toes in my nose-pull on my hair-make me look at her constantly-kind of mood. I am claustrophobic, but like I said, I normally enjoy hugs and cuddles. Sometimes though, when she gets in one of these crawl up your nose moods, it causes my need for space to heighten as her need for affection heightens.

We speak often about the need for each of us to have personal space. We try to teach her the importance of speaking up for yourself and asking for personal space when you need it. In fact a few times in recent weeks she has gone into another room (or sat on a different chair) and when we asked her what she was doing she has replied, in her most adult voice possible: "Well Mom, I just needed a few moments of personal space, please respect it." Walking away, I can only chuckle to myself at her correct use of the words and situation and wait for her need for personal space to be satisfied so she can rejoin me.

But last night, a particularly needy night I learned, my requests for personal space actually caused an opposite result. She became more insistent that she needed me and wanted to sit on my lap, wanted me to talk to her, wanted 100% of my attention and my physicality focused on her. And even as my need for freedom increased I realized we were feeding each other's discomfort instead of understanding or even respecting each other's opposing need.

I finally had to put both of us in a time-out, not as punishment but for regrouping time for her and to de-escalate my claustrophobia. This was not my first choice but other tactics didn't work. But she usually responds well to her "time-outs" to think and in the end, after a few minutes apart I was better able to address her needs without allowing mine to get in the way. BUT it taught me an important lesson which I heeded quickly tonight when she started the same overly-tired, bed-resistant, hold me dance. I stopped what I was doing and said, "OK that means you are tired." We got her ready for bed, had her pick some books to read, and before she was through the first book she was asleep. WHEW!

To me, being a parent isn't about being perfect, thankfully because I am not perfect. It is about meeting your child's needs the best you can. And when you fail, learning from your mistakes enough to take the right action the next time...or at least try to improve. It is also about respecting and honoring your own needs because you can only be a good parent when you are whole yourself.

Good luck in your next parenting challenge!

Emily A. Filmore, Author
blog.withmychildseries.com
http://www.withmychildseries.com/