About the Author and the Blog

Why attachment/present parenting?
Because it is not about the quantity of time you spend with your child, it is about the quality of that time. For me, this has been a very natural and rewarding way of parenting my child.

Why start this blog?
To share insights illustrating the beauty of parenting through art, poetry, experiences, positive observations of other parents and project ideas as well as to share news about the With My Child Series of children’s books about family bonding.

Who am I?
I am a licensed attorney, writer, artist, photographer, designer, crafter, seamstress, singer, avid reader, truth seeker, nature-lover; a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, wife and mom. I have a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a Minor in English and a Juris Doctor (Law Degree) with a concentration in International and Comparative Law. I like to make things that decorate my life. I like beautiful things. I love to learn and I love a challenge. I live to spend time with my husband - Scott, my daughter - Sage and our pokey little puppy – River the Yorkie.

Spirituality
After living through a life shattering event, I embarked upon the most intense and introspective inventory of my life. I examined every part of my being, every part of my personality. I read astrology, numerology, personology. I revisited psychology, sociology, anthropology. I went wild, I did irresponsible, crazy things and then I sat down and breathed and asked the Universe for guidance before I spun completely out of control. A friend convinced me to look at Conversations with God at a time when I wanted to have nothing to do with God. And it changed my life. I went from self-righteous to humble; angry to thankful; scared to hopeful; hateful to loving; unforgiving to forgiving; crazy to serene.

This transformation took me from the pit of despair, wanting nothing more to do with life to an insatiable thirst for life, fulfillment and love. It made me who I am today. I feel no guilt or regret for who I was. I feel a little sorry for who I was then because she was so lost and alone, even while people stood all around her holding her afloat and alive, until the day the new me emerged ready to see the world through new, open, happy eyes. I owe my life to those people and could never in a million years repay the debt to them so I choose to pay it forward. I choose to be a great mom, a loving wife, a good aware, conscious citizen. I choose to embrace life with vigor and embrace challenges with a carefully balanced mix of humility and pride. I choose to make a difference in other people’s lives, so that even if it is just by a smile, I try to leave each person I meet happier, better or more enlightened than they were before. And although I am far from perfect, this is my debt to the Universe. This is my thanks for saving my life.

Work
After college I worked in numerous jobs trying to “find myself” through my work. But nothing was enough. I knew I wanted to do more but wasn’t sure about committing to graduate school. After a few years of stumbling around, I decided to go to law school which had been my life-long dream anyway. I enjoyed learning and wanted to go to school and then come out and save the world. In law school I learned a great many things, some of which were disillusioning and I began to doubt that I could make the kind of difference in the world that I wanted to by being a lawyer - not that you can’t change the world as a lawyer. It was just that I soon realized that, for me, the dedication it would take to be a human rights activist/lawyer would mean choosing not to be a mommy...and I was not prepared to make that decision.

Mommyhood and the Bar Exam
My other and more deep-rooted, powerful, life-long dream was to be a mommy. Scott and I decided to have a baby during my last year of Law School. Then there was no looking back. I was pregnant when I graduated in December of 2005 and then took the Missouri Bar Exam in February 2006, one month prior to my due date because my OB/GYN told me if I didn’t take it then, I’d never take it. I know now that she was right. But I am sure that I looked hilarious sitting sideways in the silly little table trying to reach the paper to dutifully fill in my answers. And some part of me is quite sure that the proctors were praying to NOT have a live delivery as part of their Bar Exam.

Tough Choices that Paid Off (for us)
Scott and I decided, despite my $100,000+ student loans from Law School, that his work schedule was so arduous that if I also worked full-time in the legal field we’d be hiring people to raise our daughter instead of raising her ourselves. You see, lawyers don’t work normal hours. Scott works on average 75-80 hours a week. Yes, I said a week. If I was also working those hours when would our daughter ever see either of us? So we made a choice to live comfortably, yet a little more simply and decided to forgo my salary for the sake of our family’s mental well-being. So we decided I’d be a stay at home mom and start a part-time solo practice. We live nicely, but I’m not going to deny that sometimes we think it would be nice to have two legal salaries to live on. However, what we have earned in love, laughter and bonding is multiplied three-fold over any salary I could have hoped to earn as a full-time attorney.

The big question: SAHM vs. Working Mom
Just because this worked out best for our family doesn't mean it is what's best for all families. I know lots of families with both working parents with strong family attachments. This is a very personal decision based on many factors that are specific to each family including income needs, emotional needs of parents, and emotional needs of children as well as prior career commitments, desire to stay on track professionally, enjoyment from work, etc. I've seen lots of stuff in the media about infighting between mothers about what they should do with each side judging and criticising the other for their perceived failings. I am disturbed every time I see this because as parents we should be working to build each other up, not tear each other down. The bottom line is that each family knows and has the right to decide what is best for them within the context of their own situation. I want my blog (and my books) to help moms and dads spend quality time with their children in whatever time they have! The decision to work doesn't have to mean less attachment to your children; it just means you have to be more creative and resourceful with the time you have. And let's face it, not working can be very busy as well, it is just as easy for a stay at home mom or dad to fall into a trap of running and running and running with no time to sit face-to-face with your child...we can all use support in finding ways to make the best use of our times together as families.

Present Pregnancy
We started out our journey of parenthood while Sage was still growing in my tummy. Scott called her Boo Boo before we knew her gender and we would sit together reading to my belly. Rubbing the belly became a regular part of our life before I was even showing. Scott was the most supportive husband I could have dreamed of, rubbing my feet, back, head or whatever obscure body muscle was hurting that day. We ate healthful food (when I wasn’t unable to eat due to morning sickness), planted a garden, took beautiful walks in nature, and listened to lovely music. So you see we were present parenting before we had a real-live child to parent! We tried to imagine holding her in our arms even though she was still cradled in my belly. We decorated her room, we shopped for clothes, toiletries, car seat, strollers, bouncy seats, and BOOKS. Books about parenting, books about spirituality, books for children, books about pregnancy, BOOKS! BOOKS were everywhere and like sponges we soaked in every word we could read about parenting: sleep situations, playing, nursing, bottle-feeding, first foods, diapers, laundry detergent, attachment parenting, “crying it out” books, and more. If it was about babies and there was something written about it – we read it.

Birth
I think back now and wonder where I had the energy to internalize all of that information, but somehow I did and soon a bouncing baby girl burst into the world. The whirlwind that is Sage began her life on her terms. More than twenty-four hours of labor and about three hours of pushing with no progress led to a C-Section. But in the end everything was fine. No…more than fine. She was safe, I was safe, Scott was safe. All was right in our world.

Breastfeeding
Moms who have done it know what I am about to say, but I’ll say it anyway. Breastfeeding is all-consuming for the mom. Your body is programmed to know when the baby is hungry, notify you, and then produce the sweet nectar of life and health for that baby. Everyone around me said that I needed to be selfless and give her a bottle so that other people could feed her. Selfless, huh? It seemed selfish to me to make her drink her milk out of a cold sterile bottle instead of my warm breast. Besides, my internal pumping mechanism didn’t work anyway (in 15 months of nursing I was only able to pump a grand total of 20 ounces of milk when I have friends who pump 10 ounces in one sitting) and I had committed to her that I would not feed her formula unless it was an emergency. So here was my biologically and evolutionarily programmed body on a schedule with a hungry, hungry little hippo who had quickly established herself as a perpetual nurser. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. The nursing baby who likes it so much they spend as much time (or more) latched on as they do off. Our routine was 45 minutes on - 15-30 minutes off. I thought I was going to lose my mind. We took to co-sleeping with her because otherwise I never slept. My marriage had to take a back seat - at least initially, as Sage and I were getting to know each other, drawing our boundaries and pushing each other’s buttons. Scott never wavered in his support of my need to meet her needs. He did worry about me. But in hindsight it is no wonder, I was running myself into the ground and rapidly. But he was the epitome of the perfect husband and daddy. While I may have wanted sorely for sleep, time to myself, a massage, a meal without a child attached to my breast and many other things, they were things I did to myself, I couldn’t have asked for anything more from him; he was there to give me and her what we needed no matter what.

The Real Parenting Begins
In the hours and hours and hours that I sat nursing that little baby, I had so much time to think, formulate and imagine both the kind of parent I wanted to be, and the kind of person I wanted to help her be. I knew that since I was somewhat older having my first child (29 at her birth) that I had more life experience than if I had her when I was younger. I had also had more time to dream about the kind of life I wanted to have, the kind of parent I wanted to be. I was so appreciative of the fact that the Universe had finally seen fit to give me a child that I was determined to not blow it. I take my job as a mommy very seriously. I also accept the gift was such awe and gratitude that sometimes it stops me in my tracks.

So in the years prior to getting pregnant, through my pregnancy and then in the first few months after her birth I had a lot of time to formulate my plan for parenting. Inherent in this plan was to be present in as many of the moments with my daughter as I could possibly be. I don’t just mean physical presence. I mean mental, spiritual, emotional and physical presence. I mean that when my daughter was 3 minutes old and I held her for the first time and gazed into her eyes. There was no outside world. It was Scott, Sage and me, we were all that there was, and in that moment we were all that mattered. I mean that now that she is 4 years old, when I am playing a game with her, reading to her, or just looking at her – I am fully there, fully aware, and fully present in the moment with her. This is the entire basis for my parenting success and enjoyment: full presence in the moments. It doesn’t have to do with how many minutes a day I play with her. It has to do with HOW MUCH those minutes mean when I spend them with her. My point is that any parent can casually play with their child. But when a parent stops all other conversations in his head, puts away the cell phone or Blackberry, turns off the TV, and closes the laptop a child KNOWS that she has her parent’s attention and in this situation a child will flourish. This is the answer! Parents who work worry that they don’t spend enough time with their children; it is not about how much time you spend together, it is about the quality of the time when you are together.

All parents, no matter how much you work, have the ability to be great parents! It is all about how well you concentrate on your child for 15-30 minutes a day. For example, when you get home from work and you are tired you still have to make dinner right? How about making dinner together? It may add 10 minutes to the time it takes you alone, but children are naturally curious and they love to mix things. So connect with your child while mixing the water and the milk for the instant mashed potatoes. Or “let” your child set the table all the while having them tell you about their day. It can even be as simple as letting the child pull a kitchen chair or a stool over and stand next to the sink (a safe distance away from the stove) and WATCH you cook. My daughter delights in having me explain how I am cooking to her and participating minimally by pouring water in or helping me count the eggs. Older kids can do the same thing with more participation (still a safe distance from the stove) by helping to fill the measuring cup with milk, or helping scoop out the sugar or flour. These moments can be made magical by just being present, fully aware and fully concentrated on your child.

The With my Child Series blog will share everyday situations in which parents and children are connecting. I will give examples of my own interactions with my daughter and of those interactions I observe other parents when they are present parenting. I will share new ideas and challenges to help myself and other parents be more present in their interactions with their children. I will also share poetry and art which could be shared with your child during interaction time. Hopefully through my blog more parents will find ways to focus on their children and in meaningful ways.
Namaste!
Emily